I'll Make A Nerd Out Of You

Over the past two weeks, the Mulan song "I'll Make A Man Out of You" has fuel me. It has been my pump up song for the AP tests, filled with the idea of achievement and the benefits of hard work. I have singing it nonstop, gluing it into the heads of others as well. Therefore, I only saw it fit to create a spoof based on AP English class. Ms. Serensky is like Caption Shi Lang and us students are like the soldiers

Ms. Serensky:
Let's get down to business to defeat the test
Did they send me losers when I asked for the best
You're the saddest bunch I've ever met
But you bet before we're through
Clueless, I'll make a nerd out of you

Feeble on the outside
But you're full of sass
Once you find your thesis
You are sure to pass
You're a spineless pale, pathetic lot
And you haven't got a clue
Somehow I'll make a nerd out of you
Student 1:
    I'm never gonna finish this
Student 2:
     Say good-bye to evening free-time
Student 3:
    Boy, was I a fool for scheduling in
Student 4:
     This woman's got'em scared to death
Student 5:
     Hope that I don't lose all me-time
Student 6:
     What if this class becomes the greatest ting?
Chorus -All students:
(Be a nerd)
We must write fast as an F1 racer
(Be a nerd)
And be as bright as the sun in June
(Be a nerd)
With all the smarts of a Greenlaw sister
Invincible as the Earth's pull on the moon
Serensky:
Time is racing toward us till the clock calls time
Heed my every tidbit and you might be fine
You're unsuited for the highest score
But don't pack up, you aren't through
I know I'll make a nerd out of you!
(repeat chorus)
(repeat chorus)

This is Just to Say

I have cherished the times
That were in this classroom
As well as time you were hoping would vanish
Forgive me
But each was enduring
So rich
And so droll

-I'm going to miss this class next year so much! Thank you everyone for making it so great!

AP English : The List that Says it All

1. Multiple choice extra credit games- these create some of the best memories and academic thrills.
2. SOAPSTones- cherish them while you can- it only gets worse! (this is true, but when it comes down to it, assignments like this teach you how to get things done quickly, and with a relatively low level of mental anxiety)
3. Special AP English Inside Jokes- For example: Simultaneous Disappointment (what does this mean you may ask? It is an inside joke... I can’t really tell you... Simultaneous Disappointment)
4. Extremely timely updates on Progress Book (I find it annoying when teachers do not update, but that is not a fear in this class!)
5. Realizing that you can speak your mind in an in-class discussions without judgement (for the most part, unless you say something absolutely idiotic. Then you will probably be mocked at every hour..)
6. Eventually understanding that everything has significance and that you can literally write an essay on anything.
7. Never knowing which thoughtless phrase that you said will make its way to the quote sheet (although if you creepily ask the teacher what she is reading, that has a good chance of getting there)
8. Stickers on your papers- Though a square inch of manufactured goods seems insignificant, it truly can make your day
9. Knowing how to write (trust me, it is amazing what you learn. I read my old poetry paper from tenth grade, the one that I was so proud of, and gawked at its pitiful ramblings)
10. You lose a social life, but gain a family (although it should be noted that if you are annoying and bitter, people still probably will not like you... sorry)

My Judgmental Onlookers

Iago: “she will find the errors of her choice” (Shakespeare 1.3.347-348)
Rodney: “You always know these things. I don’t know  why I’m always so surprised at how smart you are” (Currie 131)
Algernon: “there is no use speculating on that subject” (Wilde 3)
Iago: (speaking to Lizzy, although she cannot hear him) “It is now high supper time... About it” (Shakespeare 4.3.241-242)
Rodney: “Really? Already?” (Currie 129)
Algernon: “That may be” (Wilde 41)
Rodney: “You know how bad I am with time” (Currie 131)
Algernon: “It is very foolish of you” (Wilde 6)
Rodney: “I’m not the smartest, but I’m also not as stupid as you think” (Currie 129)
Algernon: “I wish to goodness we had a few fools left” (Wilde 16)
Iago: “Have you forgot all place of sense and duty?” (Shakespeare 2.3.166)
Algernon: “It is awfully hard work doing nothing” (Wilde 17)
Iago: “Very nature will instruct her in it and compel her to some second choice” (Shakespeare 2.1.232-233)
Iago: “Though I may fear her will, recoiling to her better judgement” (Shakespeare 3.3.235-236)
Rodney: “I’m not saying that you’re wrong... but I don’t think that’s true at all” (Currie 128)
Algernon: “Literary criticism is not your forte” (Wilde 6)

Awesome= (Humor^2)(Relevant)(ln(puns))

This just made me laugh...
 Don't judge

An awesome paragraph, you say? Well I can really go to town with this one, which is exactly where Oscar Wilde’s The Importance of Being Earnest begins. Primarily, I loved the witty banter that Algernon offers. He did not hesitate to go down the wrong lane with his remarks, bluntly saying things like: “Well, I don’t like your clothes. You look perfectly ridiculous in them” to Jack (30). I went into the story expecting to voice of the bland rules of etiquette and was pleasantly surprised by the prism of colorful characters that Wilde produced. However, even the moments where etiquette prevailed had unspoken moments of character. For example, after Gwendolen states that she does not want sugar because it “is not fashionable any more,” Cecily angrily adds four lumps (If this were modern, I’m sure she would go so far as to give her a punch instead of any tea at all) (Wilde 38). I found the dramatic irony and childish actions quite humorous. She will soon get married, and her idea of a come-back is a few lumps of sugar? The pure ease at which the characters create drama for themselves is fascinating. In all earnestness, it actually reminded me of the world in which we live today. Whole TV shows revolve around the idea of petty drama. Although I purse my lips at them, they have become an integral part of our society. And I have observed relationships between friends that appear volatile one moment and sturdy the next. Not only that, but I have had petty disputes with my brother about food, just like Algernon and Jack. Jack accuses Algernon, saying: “Well that is no reason why you should eat all them muffins in that greedy way” (41). I must admit, when an exceptionally delicious pizza or brownies come into play, conversations such as this one have come up. I'm sure my mother just wants to say: "You guys can go sit out there with your toast!" (Serensky). What separates me and my friends, however, from the characters, is that Wilde creates a whole new extreme. His level of absurdity keeps us all centered. Although we may have our moments, we can never let ourselves slip into such a state. If we remember this lesson, we will all be merry men and women. And lastly, I happy to enjoy puns a great deal. Wilde does not hesitate with this device, thus enhancing my appreciation of the book. See? I told you I had this writing in the bag...





As opposed to in the perambulator...

(what an awful punch line... I know...)

The Top Ten

10) I found out that I had been selected for the ASM France Materials Failure Analysis Camp in Clermont-Ferrand, France. When I found out, I thought: “I am, God help me, in a state resembling happiness” (Currie 196). I got to stay in dorms with other French students (and Olivia K), learning about Failure Analysis for a week.

9) Last year, in French 4, we took a trip to the International Film Festival and saw a bunch of French shorts. After that, we went to a delicious French restaurant. I felt “pleasure, pleasure!” when I realized how much I had improved (Wilde 2).

8) Freshman year, we did a balloon dropping contest in Honors Algebra II, where we tied water balloons to a ton of rubber bands, using algebra to figure out how many to tie from a series of tests. Some teams came close to the ground with less rubber bands than us, so I thought: "it is rather dangerous your venturing on it now” (Wilde 42). But we came within one inch of the ground and won!

7) When I received my SAT scores (especially for math and the Math II subject test), I thought that I was “under some strange mistake” (Wilde 24). I did not expect to do so well. However, I had actually done a bit of practice, so I felt like I earned them.

6) Mark Wood, the lead violinist of the Transiberian Orchestra came and taught the strings class a short seminar. We tried to modernize orchestra by mixing classic rock influences with classical music. The concert was so much fun, that there was “magic in the web of it” (Shakespeare3.4.69).

5) In tenth grade, I took creative writing with Mr. Stuart. Our class soon became the “circle of love” and we had so much fun. I learned to step out of my shell a bit because we had to reach all of our writing out loud. I even ended up army crawling across the floor for a skit while singing the Mission Impossible theme song one day as my writing partner cried: “Oh villain!” (Shakespeare5.2.308)

4) I would be remiss if I did not mention winning the AP Multiple Choice game during the first quarter. We beat the other teams “naught… in hate, but all in honor” (Shakespeare 5.2.291). It was, suffice to say, quite thrilling

3) We took two practice AP Multiple Choice tests in AP Computer Science recently. I actually did surprising well on both of them, scoring well above any English multiple choice I have received ever.Although “it is very painful for me to be forced to speak the truth,” It made me realize that I do not fail at AP multiple choice questions in every aspect, I just have weaker subjects than others (40).

2) In tenth grade, we had to do a huge research project. Sarah G, Jenny K, and I decided to do it on clothing based stereotypes. Sarah dressed up as an emo slut, Jenny as a fashionable girl, and I as the athletic type. We thought we were so cool at the mall, with a notebook in purse, acting like secret agents as we conferred after each store we hit. One man asked Sarah why she had drawn black dots under her eyes when she waited outside alone. We then thought that we saw him following us after that. “But what does being an adult teach you, daily, if not to function in the face of fear?” (Currie 256). We were, of course, completely fine.

1) Last July, when we received the AP Test results I was at camp. Bu tI had to know, so I had my dad tell me. I did not actually believe him at first, because “there is always doubt and fear” (Currie 118). I even made him text me a photo of the sheet that came in the mail. But mainly, I just felt happy that my hard work had paid off.

Here we are in tenth grade!!!

Harvesting a Cat's Sense of Self

I especially enjoyed “Chester”, by John Koethe. For one thing, it contains a cat. I myself have two cats, so I can relate to their blank expressions. They seem to think that “health is the primary duty of life” (Wilde 9). Of course, when I say health, I mean food, especially when its living and they manage to sneak it into the house.
I sometimes envy their simple routines; they can find bliss so easily. Koethe describes how, as humans, we struggle to find what really makes us happy. Our expectations of life’s pleasures bring us down. Cats do not struggle with such mental angst.
I suppose that “ignorance is like a delicate exotic fruit; touch it and the bloom is gone” (Wilde 13). Cats know no greater meaning to life, so they live in content. However, humans cannot get rid of the nagging feeling that one should do more. Koethe explains how “mere being is supposed to be enough,”  but it simply is not (Koethe 16-17). It makes me reflect upon my future. I will leave for college soon. It will be time to choose between a life that is simply sufficient, filled with mere fanciful day dreams, or a life that truly fulfills me. It makes me ponder whether or not ordinary can be enough.
I do not want to wake up one day and find that “it is very painful for me to be forced to speak the truth” about my level of happiness in life, or worse, my level of regret (Wilde 40). It makes me realize that I have the chance to choose my path, right now.
In a way, I find it inspiring. It makes me want to start living my life to its fullest. I want to figure out what creates happiness, whether that be a simple, sufficient life, or one full of adventure and complexities. 

I envy the cat. Their choice is so simple.

This is a photo that my dad took of one of my cats.
 He has it as a desktop on a 22 inch monitor,
 so her eyes pop out at me whenever I walk past it.
It's slightly terrifying.

Note: It also inspired me to write a spoof of the poem when I struggled to think of a title for my English essay. Those are always fun.

Winning Always Makes for a Fun Memory...

Tight clusters of desks filled the room. Students exchange apprehensive looks as they twirl their pencils or tap their feet, glad to have something to focus on. Ms. Serensky manages to convince a student to take count on the board. The tension grows. She begins to introduces the groups one by one. I hurridly glance up at the rest of my group: Nicola, Sarah, and Chase.

“Do you want to just cheer loudly?” I whisper. Sarah agrees, but Nicola looks suspicious. Chase does not weigh in on this, but he must be thinking: “Let us preserve a dignified silence” because he chooses to remain silent while Sarah and I awkwardly make stifled roars of encouragement (Wilde 43).

Ms. Serensky likes the tallies to be even.
          I believe she once compared this to
 a "horse race last year

Then Ms. Serensky begins the arduous task of reading the answers. Her voice stifles all sounds as she reads with precision and clarity. I compare the group answers on the scoring sheet to the ones out loud each time because I can not stand the suspense. But our answers are final, so “who can control his fate? ‘Tis not so now” (Shakespeare 5.2.262). As she reads, we all find that different groups lose points in different places--all groups, except for ours. For some aberrant reason, we have not missed a point yet. I want to foreshadow our win, but I fear I will jinx it.

However, the win becomes eminent when we have just a few left and I realize that even if we miss all of the answers, we will still win. “I am, God help me, in a state resembling happiness” (Currie 196). My team’s shining moment, the epitome of AP English 12, occurs on this seemingly ordinary day.

Roderigo and Reggie's Ruthless Revenge

Roderigo lives in the modern day time period, like Reggie. Somehow, Reggie and Roderigo have been transported back together to the beginning of time. There are present at an intergalactic conference where they have been given an important decision to make. Should the comet hit earth, or another small undiscovered planet with no life forms whatsoever? They discuss the discision.
Reggie: We should go through with it--blow up the Earth I mean. People need to learn their lesson.
Roderigo: But “it is not my virtue to amend it” (Shakespeare 1.3.313)
Reggie: Look what these people have done to us! They stole your woman. And they they stole my dignity. This “ain’t no joke.” Let's blow this up (Currie 109)!
Rodergo: Even though what you say is very true, what about the others? My friends?
And you surely have friends too? I have seen them at the bar...
Reggie: I’m not their friend.” Look, we have a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity here. You think C-4 could do this much damage? (Currie 123)
Roderigo: I don’t know man... I fear we are in over our heads.
Reggie: Look, I'm gonna get real weird with it. Haven’t you ever wanted this kind of pure power? The rush of complete and utter omnipotence? Haven’t you ever killed someone? Just because it felt good? Because you thought that the world needed a message? It is our human nature to have blood on our hands. Relish it. Embrace the urge to destroy all that threatens you.
Roderigo: I once tried to kill a man... It didn’t work out so well... (looks down angrily)
I deserve a chance at redemption. You are right! The pain! Humiliation! “I will indeed no longer endure it” (Shakespeare 4.2.176-177)!
Reggie: You down with it? That’s my man! Vengeance! That is the only true emotion!
Roderigo: Right you are! Council! We are ready! We have decided!

Name Your Price

My best day in AP English 12? Well, it was not especially humorous, nor would it stand out particularly to another peer. But it was the first day that I truly felt like I belonged. We had just finished reading Othello and Ms. Serensky has started preparing us for our new book, The Namesake. We had to journal about our names: their origin, what we thought of them, or really anything that came to mind. It was truly the first time that I had a chance to explore my feelings about my name ever since Gwendolin put it down. You see, “I have always pretended to have a younger brother of the name of Earnest” (6). However, Gwendolin believed it to be my name, claiming that she loved me solely because of it. I told her that “I don’t think the name suits me at all,” because I hoped that she would love me despite of it. However, she confirmed my greatest fear, leaving me wrought me internal conflicts. However, the AP English class understood. Several students agreed that they fought with their names. Nicola  claimed sassily: “The question I have to ask myself is: why would I say my own name wrong?” (Zollinger). Not only that, but Sarah Ross expressed her disapproval of the incorrect spelling of her name.  Previously, I had felt foolish for my worries about my name. But I realized that every name has its issues. Even though Gwendolin may not like it, “I think Jack... a charming name” (11). The students heartily agreed with me and Ms. Serensky used some colorful diction to put down Gwendolin’s shallow-mindedness. I, of course, immediately jumped to my Gwendolin’s defense, but it made me realize something: the love of my life is not perfect. Each of us have flaws. I fully accept the name Jack. It is part of who I am and I now feel confident in that.  But the class helped me uncover the question that I had feared: Is Gwendolin worth the price of my own identity? The answer, which had once caused great mental turmoil, is now obvious to me.

Iago's Student Days

Interviewer= Lizzy

Subject= Iago

Me:

Did you find the class challenging?

Iago:

Though I feared not for life, the many fights

of in-class essays drained all my vigor.

If the pen is mightier than the sword

why must it cause such mental wrath?

The books would evade just the minds of fools,

but how I loathed the literary tools

And the discussions, even when quite small

I say to you: “It plucks out brains and all” (125)

Me:

What was your least favorite book?

Iago:

Incidents in the life of a slave girl.

The ruffian believed she had the need

To share her every thought and every deed

Her hallow complaints still ring in my ears

As does the fact that she hoped to bring tears

“Be judge yourself,

Whether I in any just term am affined

To love the moor.” (1.1.35-37)

Me:

What did you get on the AP Test?

Iago:

Five

Me:

What is your favorite memory of AP English 11?

Iago:

The quarterly test that we all must take

The battle that puts all our pride at stake

Of course I always come out on the top

Bubbles all bubbled in when she yells “stop!”

I must admit, a lot I tried to cheat

But Serensky would jump up on her feet

Though I tried many a plot, trick, and scheme

Could not beat this English teacher’s regime

Me:

Ah yes, what do you think of Ms. Serensky?

Iago:

Though Brilliant as a teacher for this course

For you I feel a small bit of remorse

Me:

Who me? Why?

Iago:

“Preferment goes by letter and affection” (1.1.33)

Do not think that she has been grading fair

If you misfortune the gift of her glare

Me:

What are you saying? I must get revenge!!!

Curse her!

there is a sound of hurried footsteps as the interviewer leaves

Iago:

“My med’cine works! Thus credulous fools are/ caught” (4.1.46)

a hallow laugh fills the recording, which stops promptly

NOTE: This is just for fun. I under no conditions believe that Ms. Serensky plays favorites nor do I endorse the things that Iago said about Harriet Jacobs

A Typical AP English Student

16      Today is the day that you will finally take the awaited multiple choice test. You feel restless, anxious to begin. Don’t worry. This is normal. Your classmates make eye contact to affirm their alliances. Doing the same right now could help you when you play the game. Try for someone like Sarah Greenlaw or Kaliegh O’Hara; they are usually good at these things. It also might be a good idea to mentally prepare yourself for the task in front of you. Focus. Do not let yourself grow distracted by the poster about the pidgin. You take out a mechanical pencil, a rarity for the class, as your teacher Ms. Serensky, hands out the scantrons.

15      Although she scared you at first, you have grown to appreciate your teacher. She spent years learning how to write so that she could actually teach you something. The upside is that she is a good teacher. The downside is that you need to work quite hard to achieve even a meager B.  That is why this task is so important. Your grade is dwindling; you are on the cusp of an A. If we knew all answers, we would, of course, help you. But this is something that you must do alone.

14 Now work! Make sure you start at number 16 on the scantron; you wouldn’t want to do what Lizzy Burl did and start at 1. You must read quite fast if you want to complete this, which, trust us, you do. It may help to read the poem a few times if you need to. Some of course classmates like to randomly underline sentences that appear important.

13 You must know that the writers of these questions live very angry lives. They live to capture the unwitting student who does not know what metaphysical conceits are. Do not let them win.

12 At this point you should take into account how far you are on the test. The red writing on the board says 2:31. You should be halfway done. At this point, it is imperative that you focus on absolutely nothing but the task at hand. Complacency is not an option.

11 Learn to cross out wrong answers. Or else clearly mark your choices on your packet. This is so that you can help in your group later when you debate the correct answers. You will not always agree, so you must learn to be flexible and expand your mind. Judge the credibility of the defender of an answer in your group. For example, if it is Sarah Greenlaw, she is most probably right.

10 You must work faster. Already the time finishes soon, and while this may not seem to you, ignorant of such things, to be particularly dangerous, it can imperil your grade. We will not lie--it could kill your pride. Now, be calm. You should remain as focused as possible throughout the rest of your test.

9 Five minutes remain

8 The teacher sits idly at her desk. I am telling you this so that you don’t waste any more of your precious time looking around. What she may or may not be reading is irrelevant. Under no circumstances should you ask her.

7 Four minutes

6 Three minutes

5 I would suggest randomly bubbling in whatever you have left so that you can at least have the chance of scoring a third of a point.

4 Two minutes

3 One minute

2 Thirty seconds

1 Time. Pencils down.