A Typical AP English Student

16      Today is the day that you will finally take the awaited multiple choice test. You feel restless, anxious to begin. Don’t worry. This is normal. Your classmates make eye contact to affirm their alliances. Doing the same right now could help you when you play the game. Try for someone like Sarah Greenlaw or Kaliegh O’Hara; they are usually good at these things. It also might be a good idea to mentally prepare yourself for the task in front of you. Focus. Do not let yourself grow distracted by the poster about the pidgin. You take out a mechanical pencil, a rarity for the class, as your teacher Ms. Serensky, hands out the scantrons.

15      Although she scared you at first, you have grown to appreciate your teacher. She spent years learning how to write so that she could actually teach you something. The upside is that she is a good teacher. The downside is that you need to work quite hard to achieve even a meager B.  That is why this task is so important. Your grade is dwindling; you are on the cusp of an A. If we knew all answers, we would, of course, help you. But this is something that you must do alone.

14 Now work! Make sure you start at number 16 on the scantron; you wouldn’t want to do what Lizzy Burl did and start at 1. You must read quite fast if you want to complete this, which, trust us, you do. It may help to read the poem a few times if you need to. Some of course classmates like to randomly underline sentences that appear important.

13 You must know that the writers of these questions live very angry lives. They live to capture the unwitting student who does not know what metaphysical conceits are. Do not let them win.

12 At this point you should take into account how far you are on the test. The red writing on the board says 2:31. You should be halfway done. At this point, it is imperative that you focus on absolutely nothing but the task at hand. Complacency is not an option.

11 Learn to cross out wrong answers. Or else clearly mark your choices on your packet. This is so that you can help in your group later when you debate the correct answers. You will not always agree, so you must learn to be flexible and expand your mind. Judge the credibility of the defender of an answer in your group. For example, if it is Sarah Greenlaw, she is most probably right.

10 You must work faster. Already the time finishes soon, and while this may not seem to you, ignorant of such things, to be particularly dangerous, it can imperil your grade. We will not lie--it could kill your pride. Now, be calm. You should remain as focused as possible throughout the rest of your test.

9 Five minutes remain

8 The teacher sits idly at her desk. I am telling you this so that you don’t waste any more of your precious time looking around. What she may or may not be reading is irrelevant. Under no circumstances should you ask her.

7 Four minutes

6 Three minutes

5 I would suggest randomly bubbling in whatever you have left so that you can at least have the chance of scoring a third of a point.

4 Two minutes

3 One minute

2 Thirty seconds

1 Time. Pencils down.